My Heart
by speechless97
Summary: Addison leaves and Derek has second thoughts. Addek, set in season 2.


"Addie, don't go."

Those were the only words he could utter as she tried to push past him in the tiny doorway of the trailer. She shook her head and breathed in, looking pointedly at the floor.

"Derek. Get the hell out of my way.", she lifted her head and her eyes shot daggers at him. Derek had only seen his elegant and composed wife be this angry a couple of times in the decade they'd spent together. He puffed his chest out, blocking her even more. He tried desperately to put into words what he was feeling but it just came out jumbled and wrong and... Derek had always been good with words.

"I don't - I don't want to lose you. Don't go. Please.", he pleaded, trying to catch her eyes which seemed to be darting aimlessly around the room. Finally, she took a deep breath and looked up at him.

"Derek you have... completely ignored me and walked all over me and made sure I experienced the pain I caused you ten times over the whole time I've been in Seattle. And now, _now_, as I'm literally almost out the door with my suitcase packed... you decide to be _my_ Derek again and tell me to stay? What the hell am I supposed to do now?", she paused. Derek noticed the slightest glaze of tears in her eyes. He didn't say anything so she continued, her voice strained.

"If this is... if this is just another way to get back at me and torture me then please... Please just spare me the pain because I've had enough and I'm leaving and that's what you wanted all along. Don't torture me by saying I should stay because despite everything, you know I'll stay if you ask... You know I'll stay for you and if you're taking advantage of that then please just... Please, don't please. Please.", the last word came out as a sob and he realized that she was still standing, suitcases in hands, exactly like he'd found her when he came home. He couldn't bring himself to move any closer to her even though his instincts (finely tuned after more than a decade of marriage) were telling him that she needed some icecream and a hug and some juju tomorrow morning. But he couldn't do that; he couldn't make her feel better because he's caused the pain in the first place.

He saw her tell-tale head shake that meant she was trying to stop the tears, and suddenly his heart started to ache so profusely that he was sure it would fall out of his chest. Her tears could still do this to him.

"Hey. Hey, Addie, look at me...This isn't some... some plan for revenge. I'm not trying to get back at you or manipulate you I just- I got home and saw my wife packing her suitcase and leaving and all I could think of was how much I didn't want you to go.", he said simply, each word strained coming out of his mouth. He knew it sounded so stupid because he hadn't spoken to her like this in way too long, but it was the truth. It was how he felt and she at least deserved to know before she left.

Addison breathed out, running a hand through her hair and sat down on the tiny couch behind her. "I haven't been your wife in a long time. You haven't loved me for a long time. Just let me go.", she all but whispered, looking into his eyes. She tried to memorize them, as if this was the last moment she would ever get. Hell, what did she know. Maybe it would be.

"No.", Derek said, his voice becoming stronger. His eyes bore into hers and another tear slipped down her cheek and she looked away. When did it become like this? When did Addison become scared to trust him instead of the other way around?

"Look, I know I've been horrible in Seattle. You made a mistake and I was too proud to let it go and I was dismissive to spite you and hurt you and... that was horrible. I know that. But the truth - the plain stupid truth - is that I never stopped being in love with you, through it all. I can't... It's like I.. physically can't stop being in love with you." He moved to sit on the couch next to her, trying so hard to explain what he was feeling. Shit, he couldn't even explain it to himself.

"This hurts. Der, this hurts. I-...", Addison said softly, shaking her head, trying to get her body as far away from his as possible on the little couch. She didn't want any hope. She didn't want reminders of their love because it was in the past and she was trying so fucking hard to keep it that way. For his sake. So he could be happy with the twelve-year old. Whatever made him happy.

"You don't think the realization hurt me? God, I moved all the way across the country, left everything I knew behind, just to get here and realize that I was still in love with the woman who'd cheated on me with my best friend. How fucking pathetic is that?" His voice had a sense of urgency and she was shying further into the confines of the corner of the couch.

"I even found Meredith right away and things were good - they were complicated but good, and me and her could've been good together. But I-", he stopped short of what he was trying to say.

Addison, now with a tear-strained face looked up at him. "You what?", she said softly, at least wanting to hear the whole story.

"I didn't like the way she drank her coffee.", he said softly, looking down at the ground.

"You what?", she said, her eyes widening, trying not to grin.

"I didn't like the way she drank her coffee. I'd always loved to watch you drink coffee, on breaks, during breakfast... Even when you stole mine I would just... It knocked me out. It's the stupidest thing, but the way you drank your coffee had me completely mesmerized. And not Meredith."

She looked at him, her mouth slightly open, waiting for him to continue. And it was bittersweet because this was _her_ Derek, and she was so deathly afraid his appearance would be short-lived. That right after he convinced her to stay he'd go away and be Meredith's Derek all over again and she would be the wife stuck at home waiting for _her_ husband, not McDreamy.

"And then I started to resent Meredith. Because she didn't have red hair. Because she wasn't tall enough and she couldn't pull of a pencil skirt quite like you could. And she didn't know what I wore to my first day of internship and exactly what I needed after a bad surgery. I couldn't just turn to her at anytime and pull any memory out and relay it to her... because she's have no clue what I'm talking about. And that's when I realized I wanted you. And Addison Forbes Montgomery is irreplaceable.", he finished with a small smile.

"Montgomery-Shepherd.", she corrected lightly, and this gave him all the encouragement he needed to keep talking.

"I think... I think the reason I couldn't love Meredith... the reason I can't love anyone else is because you have my heart. The first day we met in med school, you took it. Well, I practically handed it to you. And to this day, I can't think about feeling the same way about anyone because you were my first love and for a long time I was convinced you'd be my only love. Well, that's not true. But you're the only love that ever mattered."

He took her hand in his, squeezing, trying to see some sort of reaction in her eyes. But they were frozen, looking at him like she couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.

"I think we can't give up. I think we owe it to ourselves to try - to really try. Because I know I'll never be happy without you. So don't go. Don't take my heart with you back to New York. I don't know how I'll survive."

She looked down at their hands again for a few minutes, her hair falling over her face in a deep red curtain. Time stopped for Derek. It was amazing because even after all those years, she could still make time stop for him. Finally, she spoke - slowly and deliberately. She was trying so hard to stay an arm's length away from him. He couldn't be doing this to her, not again.

"We're so screwed up. We... I don't know how to make this work, Derek. I don't know if it's worth another try. You know I'll love you until the day I die but... I don't want any more pain. I don't think I can handle it.", she finished, pursing her lips. Her eyes were still hopeful though.

Derek looked at her, fear paralyzing him that maybe she'd leave. And the thought that Addie would always be there for him had been present his whole adult life. He couldn't let go of it - this was Addison! They were Addison and Derek and they were invincible and there was no way he was letting the woman he wrote a song for walk out through that door.

"We have to try again. If we're both willing participants this time - if we really try, it's going to work. Because it would be ridiculous that two people who have each others' hearts and who once ate Chinese food over medical textbooks at 2AM every night can't make this work. We can make it work. Don't leave Addie, don't leave." His last words came out desperate; his grip on her hands tightened, like he was afraid to let go.

"We're Addison and Derek. We're meant to be.", he said, smiling at the memory of Mark's speech at their wedding. And she smiled too and he knew instantly that that's what she was thinking about. And suddenly, the thought of Mark didn't bring pain. No memories came bubbling up and he didn't shut down and Mark was just that again - he was just their closest friend and Derek's best man.

And that's when she realized things had changed. Somehow, after 6 months of no progress, they had changed. And hell, he was right. She loved him (all of him) and he somehow still loved all of her (even her morning breath and how bossy she could be and her complete hatred for the outdoors).

If two people who loved each other - two people who knew each other better than they knew themselves didn't deserve a happy ending - then who the hell did?

So she kissed him. She threw her inhibitions out the window and trusted that he would be _her_ Derek, not Meredith's Derek or Richard's Derek. It was like freefalling, and there was an offhand chance that he wouldn't catch her on the way down. But the few broken bones she would sustain from the fall wouldn't be as painful as living without him. It was like the simplest thing you learned in med school - surgery 101 - no human being could live without their heart.


End file.
